Sunday, April 22, 2012

Murphy's Law : Sh*t Happens.

"I made a pact with myself to never complain about an event I've successfully finished. No matter what my finish time or pace, I will cross the line with a pocket full of gratitude. Records are meant to be broken, but those moments are far and few between. Every adventure offers an opportunity to evolve, explore, and celebrate life. And that is the gift that keeps on giving." -Jenny Hadfield

She is much smarter than me.  I'll make that pact from here on out?
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On to planning my running schedule with my new work constraints.
Guidelines:
  • Average 25 + miles per week
  • Do at least one speed session per week (intervals or tempo)
  • Long run 1x/week  
  • Strength training 2x/week
  • Total running days = 3-5 per week. 
  • Go to at least one group run each week, will probably usually be Saturday mornings. 
So here is what I came up with (April 22- May 26, which is as far as I have my work schedule) (Two separate images):
Pink=Work, Blue=Running.  (Work codes: A=12 hr day shift, D= 8 hr day shift, 1/2 D= 4 hr day, P=12 hr night shift).  I blobbed out the names of my preceptors to protect the innocent. 
I'm pretty happy with that.  The mileage is a bit lower in general than what I have been doing, but I am okay with it.  I'll just make up my running schedule every time I get a new work schedule (4-week block), sticking with the long run mileage I had originally planned for the year, and filling in the holes according to the rules above (loosely, obviously, since I already didn't adhere to them exactly.)  Once I'm off orientation and able to have more say in my schedule I'm hoping to be able to break up my 12 hour shifts so I don't have to do 3 in a row.  Ideally I would like to work Friday, Sunday, Monday.  I feel like they'd be happy with that because those are all days that most people don't want to work! 
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My Garmin has been acting up.  I think I'm going to see if it's still under warranty and try to send it back for a replacement.  For one thing, the backlight has been permanently lit for months.   I have to completely shut it down between runs to prevent the battery from dying.  Luckily it does last through at least 13.1 miles without dying, with both the GPS and backlight on continuously.  Then today, it did something totally weird with my pace data: 


How is possible that my time for mile 4 could be 11:19, when looking at the pace plot there isn't a single point above 10:00 between the 3rd and 4th mile marks?  It could have something to do with the fact that that portion involves some tree cover that always seems to falsely increase my pace reading, or with the fact that my watch was stopped multiple times during that section (you'll find out why later), so the actual distance covered was more than shown, but still, shouldn't it at least me consistent with itself? 
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As I've said before, I hate summer running clothes.  (It sucks being a heavy/fat/fluffy/whatever runner. Picture a "barrel" figure instead of "hourglass") I usually wear compression shorts or "short tights" that aren't technically compression, underneath a running skirt or a pair of "regular" loose running shorts.  I just feel too naked wearing just skin tight shorts (Or pants.  In the cold weather I wear shorts or skirts over my long tights too).  But I've been feeling kind of goofy-looking since everybody else at my group runs wears their tight shorts, tight pants, or regular loose running shorts solo.  (I know, I know, I shouldn't care what anybody else thinks).  So I've been on a mission to find "compression" shorts that I am comfortable enough in to wear by themselves, or loose running shorts that don't ride up.  I've realized that the problem with me and compression shorts is that I like to wear them really high waisted, so they don't cut me in the middle and make a rockin' muffin top.  Most aren't designed to be worn that way, so by pulling them up, I make them really inappropriate in the crotch, butt, and thigh area.  So I came up with the perfect solution! 
These, my friends, would be maternity compression shorts.  I am going to buy them.  I am not even joking. 
You think this is TMI?  I have no shame.  Just wait, this post gets better (or worse, depending on your perspective).  (If you have a weak stomach or are easily grossed out, or don't want to hear gross things about me, stop here.  You have been warned).

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Okay, so for this morning's run, I decided screw it, I am wearing my tights by themselves for my run!  I am confident and unashamed of my thighs!  Roar!  Normally, I would have 4 layers on my butt: underwear (+1), tights or compression shorts (+1), and then a pair of running shorts or a skirt that includes either a built-in underwear-like liner or built-in compression shorts (+2). (I know, ridiculous).   Today, I only had 2 layers (underwear + tights).   

Which brings me to the title of today's post.  Murphy's Law.  I shit myself.  Not kidding.  I had severe intestinal cramping out of nowhere, which I fended off for as long as I could,  but eventually resistance was futile.  There was no cover to be found to remedy the situation in a (slightly) more civilized manner.  (Like this lady, in the grocery store, thank you SUAR). This has never happened to me before.  (There was that one time I peed on Huron Parkway, but that was nothing compared to this).  And it had to happen on the one and only day that I went out feeling naked in just tights?!?!  WTF.  I'll spare you the details (ha! seriously, this is the light version) but thankfully it was cold this morning so I had a long-sleeved shirt under my t-shirt that I was able to take off and tie around my waist.   Don't go in the left-most bathroom of the non-running-water bathrooms at G---up Park (didn't want the park name to show up in search results!).  There are a pair of crap-filled underwear in the trash there, stinking up the place.  Those of you who follow me on twitter, may suspect that my breakfast had something to do with it.  You may be right.  I will never, ever, ever eat that again.

It was a real downer because I shorted my run by 2 miles, and ditched my plans for a strength workout immediately after, which was replaced (obviously) by a shower.

I do apologize for sharing this with you, but what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't share such a rare running moment with you?  Also, I worked as a GI nurse for almost 2 years, so poop just doesn't bother me as much as it would a normal person (although my own was somehow way more difficult to handle than other peoples'....)  Just Thursday night I applied a butt bag (sorry, "fecal containment device") to a guy who was incontinent of stool like every 15 minutes.  Fun times.  I will miss you, old job.   

Did you just lose your lunch?  Sorry.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Hopefully this never happens to me again, or to any of you for that matter.  It sure made for a shitty run.  (hahahahaha, I crack myself up.)

Feel free to share your running bowel and bladder experiences in the comments (at least you can do it anonymously!)


5 comments:

  1. Happens to the best of us! You were brave, so I'll be brave! There is a golf course by my house and I used to run a loop around it. A little more than two miles. One fine day I'm about half way into the loop when - uh-oh, gotta go!! The course is surrounded by houses, houses and more houses. What do I do?!? Backwards or forwards was about the same length... So I just slowed down, did my thing, and more or less crawled to the club house at the golf course. Fortunately they were nice and let me in. Not the best day of my life, that's for sure...

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  2. I am so in love with this post :) Good for you for going very 'naked' for you, and I hope you try it again! I lost a toe nail this morning that had been black since the Detroit marathon and I thought that was gross... you beat me!

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    1. Well this time went so well, I just can't wait to do it again! I want you to know, I do blame you a little bit, since you encouraged me! (To run in tights that is, not to shit my pants...) :)

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    2. I will try it at least once more. I have to show you guys my AWESOME maternity shorts when they come. If I like them, I get some jeans too. I mean, how can you go wrong???

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  3. Don't worry Ty... I'm not proud to say that I've totally been there... But I wasn't able to ditch anything or I would have had to run home naked. I never ran to shower so quickly after a run. Jenni

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